The day broke, brushstrokes of
color showed up in a dark sky painting it with softened reds and oranges, a
tender breeze had drenched the soil filling the air with a warm scent. Some dew
drops were still hanging from leaves, shining like small pieces of glass.
The cat woke up, he had a playful
face and dark fur. He opened his rounded, bluish eyes thinking of the day ahead
and waiting for the adventure he had dreamed about for so long: to discover the
deepest secret hidden in the forest.
It was his first day outdoors; with
determined step he headed to the woodland keeping his head high and senses
alert.
After a few hours walking, an
imposing tree stood in front of him, he was extremely tall, slim, with many
layers of green branches swirling around it like a furious tornado. The tiny
animal felt astonished and with a shy voice asked the tree if he knew the mystery
of that place. The slender tree didn’t
hear anything. He was too busy chatting to the clouds. The kitten shouted many
times, but there was no answer.
He left disappointed and went deep
into the bushes. There was a gigantic rock placed near a cave: majestic and
gleaming like the sun, tiny pieces of gold were embedded on its sides. The cat
watched it with awe asking the same question about the forest. The rock looked
as if it was listening to, but its “face” was too cold and unfriendly…that rock
showed no interest on that issue.
The small creature lowered his head
and left again. From far away he made out a creek greeting at him
cheerfully. He ran to him jumping
joyfully and told the brook what he wanted to know. The dashing currents of the
stream full of foam were answering but every word flew away like the wind takes
the notes of a song. That water was in a hurry and was only able to utter
intermittent words.
The feline tired and sleepy
laid down on the ground giving up. After
some hours he straightened his body while hearing the notes of a sweet voice.
It was a small flower resting over an old brownish crust surrounded with yellow
petals as if they were a glimmering crown. She asked him what took him to that
side of the land.
They were talking for hours. With a
smile on her face she tutored him about the most ferocious creatures wandering
through the jungle stalking to its prey, about the wild vegetation moving like
traveling threads and wrapping everything in its way and over the magic nights
decorated by a starry sky full of hovering candles. The cat fell asleep with
the soft whispers of the forest.
With the first dawn rays the cat
got up calling to his friend. Leaping over the empty trunk he saw that she was
gone, some dark petals were still floating in the air and a withered stalk lay
on the ground. With tearful eyes the cat
left, but his heart was filled with a sweet and charming fragrance. He realized that he would carry inside of him
forever the treasure of that land: the warmth and beauty of a tiny bloom.
THE
END
PD: I am referring to the tree and creek as "he". The flower as "she". I wanted to refer to the stone as "she" too, but I am not sure if that is right. I though that the characters could be more "alive" in that way.
The day broke, brushstrokes of color showed up in a dark sky[,] painting it with softened reds and oranges[. A] tender breeze had drenched the soil[,] filling the air with a warm scent. Some dew drops were still hanging from leaves, shining like small pieces of glass.
ReplyDeleteI really like "brushstrokes of color". But I'm not sure how a breeze could drench the soil. Great images!
The cat woke up[. H]e had a playful face and dark fur. He opened his rounded, bluish eyes thinking of the day ahead and waiting for the adventure he had dreamed about for so long: to discover the deepest secret hidden in the forest.
ReplyDeleteIt was his first day outdoors[. W]ith determined step he headed to the woodland[,] keeping his head high and senses alert.
After a few hours walking*, an imposing tree stood in front of him[. The tree] was extremely tall, slim, with many layers of green branches swirling around HIM like a furious tornado. The tiny animal felt astonished and with a shy voice asked the tree if he knew the mystery of that place. The slender tree didn’t hear anything. He was too busy chatting to the clouds. The kitten shouted many times, but there was no answer.
ReplyDelete*Written this way, this says that the tree had been walking for a few hours. Better: After a few hours walking, the cat came upon an imposing tree.
He left disappointed and went deep into the bushes. There was a gigantic rock placed near a cave[. M]ajestic and gleaming like the sun, tiny pieces of gold were embedded on its sides. The cat watched it with awe[,] asking the same question about the forest. The rock looked as if it wERE listening [], but its “face” was too cold and unfriendly…that rock showed no interest IN that issue.
ReplyDeleteThe small creature lowered his head and left again. From far away he made out a creek greeting [] him cheerfully. He ran to him jumping joyfully and told the brook what he wanted to know. The dashing currents of the stream full of foam were answering but every word flew away like the wind takes the notes of a song. That water was in a hurry and was only able to utter intermittent words.
ReplyDeleteGood paragraph. I like "like the wind takes the notes of a song".
The tired and sleepy FELINE laY down on the ground[,] giving up. After some hours he straightened UP UPON hearing the notes of a sweet voice. It was a small flower resting over an old brownish crust[,] surrounded with yellow petals as if they were a glimmering crown. She asked him what took him to that side of the land.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure what you meant by "crust".
They were talking for hours. With a smile on her face she tutored him about the most ferocious creatures wandering through the jungle stalking [ ] THEIR prey, about the wild vegetation moving like traveling threads and wrapping everything in its way and ABOUT the magic nights decorated by a starry sky full of hovering candles. The cat fell asleep with the soft whispers of the forest.
ReplyDeleteWith the first dawn rays the cat got up[,] calling to his friend. Leaping over the empty trunk he saw that she was gone, some dark petals were still floating in the air and a withered stalk lay on the ground. With tearful eyes the cat left, but his heart was filled with a sweet and charming fragrance. He realized that he would carry inside of him forever the treasure of that land: the warmth and beauty of a tiny bloom.
ReplyDeleteI think "blossom" would be better than "bloom". It is more precise.
You can refer to inanimate objects as he or she. It is poetic to do so.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all ypur comments and for taking the time to read the story carefully. I really appreciate it.
ReplyDelete1. You have a good point about the "breeze". How about: a tender and persistent drizzle had.....
2. Crust: I wanted to say "corteza". La corteza del árbol o tronco.
3. The rock looked af if it WERE listening...I don't get that one. Is it a conditional?
Thank you so much again!
PD: I will write with # 16 size font the acknowledgments....some people deserve it!!!
1. Drizzle is good.
ReplyDelete2. La corteza de un árbol = the bark of a tree
3. That's the subjunctive, as in escuchARA.